
Rebuilding Identity after Life Transitions and Why Your Values are your True North
Who am I now?
That was the question a client asked recently, sitting across the screen during a coaching session. Her voice was steady, but there was a quiet sense of unraveling beneath it. She was about to leave a long-standing role in public service and was worrying about how to adjust to life outside of a busy service. For the first time in years, she didn’t know how to introduce herself.
No job title.
No clearly defined status.
Just a blank space where certainty used to be.
And I knew exactly how that felt.
The Hidden Weight of Identity
We often underestimate just how much our identity becomes wrapped around our roles and external labels. Over time, they offer a kind of shorthand — a way of signalling who we are to others, and to ourselves.
But what happens when those labels fall away?
Major life events — like divorce, redundancy, or illness — have a way of shaking the foundations. It’s not always a crisis, but it is unsettling. A period of disorientation, where the old scaffolding disappears and we’re left asking: Who am I without this?
When I got divorced, I found myself ticking the “divorced” box on every EDI monitoring form. I remember the pang — not because I regretted the end of the relationship, but because that simple word carried with it a sense of failure, of loss. Without the identity of ‘wife,’ I felt exposed — as if the layers I’d built around myself had been stripped away.
Similarly, leaving the NHS after 25 years of service wasn’t just a career shift — it was the end of an era. It left me feeling adrift and unsettled, unsure of who I was without that role to define me. And when I later let a professional registration lapse — choosing to prioritise other development pathways — I felt a nudge of guilt, even though it was a conscious and well-considered decision.
Each time, I experienced a kind of identity disorientation. And each time, it was my values that brought me back to myself.
Fear, Self-Belief, and the Stories We Inherit
Change has a way of unearthing not just uncertainty, but fear. Fear of failure. Fear of being judged. Fear that we won’t be able to begin again.
And often, beneath that fear lies a set of inherited beliefs — stories we absorbed through our childhood, society, workplaces, or cultural norms — about what makes us valuable. About what success should look like.
Those stories can keep us stuck.
They whisper that without the job title, you’re not accomplished.
That without the relationship, you’re not whole.
That starting again means starting from scratch.
But what if that’s not true?
What if the end of one chapter isn’t a collapse, but a clearing? Making way for something new.
Identity and Values: What Holds Us Together
In coaching, we often talk about values as your true north — the internal compass that guides decisions, behaviour, relationships, and ultimately, your sense of self.
Without them, identity becomes fragile — too dependent on external definitions and fleeting validation.
One of my clients was struggling after being made redundant. Her days, once full of back-to-back meetings and constant demands, now stretched out in unfamiliar silence. She felt lost. Her role had always given her purpose — so without it, she didn’t know where to place her worth.
But when we explored her values, the fog began to clear.
What mattered most to her wasn’t the role itself. It was the impact — helping others grow, creating clarity from complexity, being of service. It was the connection, the learning, the sense of meaning. Her identity hadn’t disappeared — it had just been hidden behind the job title.
And, as she reconnected with her values, she began to shape a new sense of self. One that gave her clarity, focus, and choice.
Redefining Success
When a coach once asked me what success looked like, my answer surprised me with its simplicity:
➡️ Be present for my boys.
➡️ Do the school runs, remember the forgotten PE kit, be fun and available.
➡️ Earn enough to pay the bills and go on a holiday once a year.
➡️ Do work I enjoy — work that allows me to learn, grow, and inspire others.
Not one of those things required me to be married, PAYE, or professionally registered.
They required me to live in alignment with my values: connection, contribution, learning, freedom, joy.
It was a powerful reminder: success, like identity, isn’t something you inherit. It’s something you define.
The Myth of a Fixed Identity
There’s a persistent myth that identity is fixed. That once you build it — through career, relationships, qualifications — it stays solid.
But that’s not how life works.
We evolve. Life shifts. And when it does, we need something more stable than titles or roles. We need a core. That’s where values come in.
When everything else is stripped away, values are what remain.
They remind you what really matters.
They shape how you respond.
They help you rebuild — not from the outside in, but from the inside out.
Showing Up Whole
This conversation echoes something I first heard a few years ago in a podcast between Brené Brown and America Ferrera — “Identity and Integrated Leadership.” They explore how so many of us — especially women and people from underrepresented communities — learn to compartmentalise parts of ourselves to be successful. To be safe. To belong. [You can listen to the Podcast here]
It was a podcast that really resonated with me. I was finally acknowledging that I hadn’t been showing up as my whole self. Leaving an environment that I wasn't suited to was the final part of the journey to becoming more me — like a butterfly unfolding from the cocoon. Not fully formed, but free.
And others noticed, a client (who became a friend) commented that I had changed in the year since leaving the NHS. That I was noticeably lighter. Happier. More at ease in my own skin. And I felt it.
I had leaned into integrated leadership — one where all parts of you are welcome. Where you don’t have to trade authenticity for approval.
In both life and leadership, identity isn’t about fitting neatly into someone else’s framework. It’s about showing up whole. Not all at once, and not perfectly — but honestly.
When we lead — at work, at home, in our communities — from a place of integrated identity, grounded in our values, something shifts. We don’t just perform roles. We live them. We bring presence. Compassion. Clarity. And we become the kind of leaders who help others do the same.
An Invitation: Start With Your Values
If you are reading this and you are navigating change at work, at home or with your health — and finding yourself asking “Who am I now?”...
Start with your values.
Ask:
What really matters to me — now?
What do I want to stand for?
What kind of life do I want to live?
What do I need to let go of to feel more like me?
This isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about anchoring yourself in what’s true — so you can begin to move forward with clarity and confidence.
If you — or your team — would like to explore life transitions through 1:1 or group coaching, I’d love to help.
Coaching offers a non-judgemental space to come back to yourself, reconnect with your values, and shape an identity that feels real.
Get in touch for a chat, you can book a free discovery call here